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11 December 2008 @ 10:59 pm
Ugh  
I know this is a journal, MY journal.. To write whatever I'm feeling..  or how I feel about something.

But.. to me..  I just don't know.. I feel like I can't write anything without fear of retribution.   I don't mean this in a violent way.  It's just.. I guess I don't want to really share how I feel.. lest someone might think different of me..  anyone really.

I just can't seem to express myself anymore.  I feel like I've locked up alot of my feelings.  Sometimes I wish I would just become completely numb because of all the bullshit I've been dealing with. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve, sadly.  And it's coming to bite me in the ass..  I've been single for over a year now.. and I hate every minute of it.

There's been a few moments, maybe even days where I've been happy.  But as a whole..  I don't remember the last time I was truly happy.  Now listen, I know I shouldn't have to rely on someone else or whathaveyou to make me happy.  It's just..  that companionship..  someone you can trust.. tell anything to..  do anything with, not feel like you're being judged about everything.

Judgement..  such a strong word, with fearful results..  Sure I judge people..  but the majority of the time I give people a chance. 

I hate being judged though..  based on looks, attitude, or just common decency. 
I would like to think myself as a very nice person..  for the most part.  Sure everyone has their bad days..  but I go out of my way sometimes to try to make someone smile, or just make their day in general. 
I feel like the favors aren't returned..  maybe just in ways that I don't see.. or understand.  I just wish that someone would go out of THEIR way to make me happy.. or smile..  you know?  I'm sure everyone wants that feeling.. of contentment. Love. Adoration. Wanted.

I can talk about my feelings all day I suppose..  but when it comes down to WHY I feel this way..  It's almost like a wall.  I can't talk about without feeling like I'll be judged, or critisized. 

Back to what I was at.. sometimes I just feel like I could go completely numb..  but sadly that's not in my character.. I just can't be like that.. I'm very openly loving..  and it kills me when I can't get those feelings returned to me.

Granted, there's 20856902346906903683904 (I know this figure isn't literal) people out there..  and I've only met a handful..  not even, a finger in comparison.  But as a solitary person.. it's just..  saddening.

I just wish I had the ability to confront my demons.. and just settle issues..  Not even issues.. just miscommunication.  I think.
I'll end this rant.
 
 
Current Mood: rejectedrejected
Current Music: VNV Nation - Epicentre