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11 December 2008 @ 10:59 pm
Ugh  
I know this is a journal, MY journal.. To write whatever I'm feeling..  or how I feel about something.

But.. to me..  I just don't know.. I feel like I can't write anything without fear of retribution.   I don't mean this in a violent way.  It's just.. I guess I don't want to really share how I feel.. lest someone might think different of me..  anyone really.

I just can't seem to express myself anymore.  I feel like I've locked up alot of my feelings.  Sometimes I wish I would just become completely numb because of all the bullshit I've been dealing with. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve, sadly.  And it's coming to bite me in the ass..  I've been single for over a year now.. and I hate every minute of it.

There's been a few moments, maybe even days where I've been happy.  But as a whole..  I don't remember the last time I was truly happy.  Now listen, I know I shouldn't have to rely on someone else or whathaveyou to make me happy.  It's just..  that companionship..  someone you can trust.. tell anything to..  do anything with, not feel like you're being judged about everything.

Judgement..  such a strong word, with fearful results..  Sure I judge people..  but the majority of the time I give people a chance. 

I hate being judged though..  based on looks, attitude, or just common decency. 
I would like to think myself as a very nice person..  for the most part.  Sure everyone has their bad days..  but I go out of my way sometimes to try to make someone smile, or just make their day in general. 
I feel like the favors aren't returned..  maybe just in ways that I don't see.. or understand.  I just wish that someone would go out of THEIR way to make me happy.. or smile..  you know?  I'm sure everyone wants that feeling.. of contentment. Love. Adoration. Wanted.

I can talk about my feelings all day I suppose..  but when it comes down to WHY I feel this way..  It's almost like a wall.  I can't talk about without feeling like I'll be judged, or critisized. 

Back to what I was at.. sometimes I just feel like I could go completely numb..  but sadly that's not in my character.. I just can't be like that.. I'm very openly loving..  and it kills me when I can't get those feelings returned to me.

Granted, there's 20856902346906903683904 (I know this figure isn't literal) people out there..  and I've only met a handful..  not even, a finger in comparison.  But as a solitary person.. it's just..  saddening.

I just wish I had the ability to confront my demons.. and just settle issues..  Not even issues.. just miscommunication.  I think.
I'll end this rant.
 
 
Current Mood: rejectedrejected
Current Music: VNV Nation - Epicentre
 
 
11 December 2008 @ 10:58 pm
Eyes betray the soul and bear it's thinking.
Beyond words they say so many things to me.
A stranger here reborn it seems
awaking wonders deep in me.
If nothing's ventured nothing's gained
so I must seize the day.

And fighting time so hard I pray
that this moment lasts forever.
And will the world stay standing still at least for me.
Through my eyes stare into me.
I bear my heart for all to see.
With my face turned to the sun there ever standing still.

It wasn't you it wasn't me it wasn't anyone.
It was a day so long awaited and a chance to be as me.
I let the wind run through my hands
as I turned to walk away.
In distant days I long to sense it all so clear.

And fighting time so hard I pray
that this moment lasts forever.
And will the world stay standing still at least for me.
Through my eyes stare into me.
I bear my heart for all to see.
With my face turned to the sun there ever standing still.
And fighting time so much I ask.
I will this moment last forever.
Though seasons change and things come to pass
remain inside of me.
And fighting time so hard I pray
that this moment lasts forever.
and will the world stay standing still at least for me.

I had no faith before that day in any vow or deed.
Days followed days and years were meaningless.
Despite the wisdom of defeat
I bore my heart for all to see the wonders I'd seen.

 
 
Current Mood: sadsad
 
 
05 June 2008 @ 02:33 pm

So.
Over memorial day weekend.. I met a girl on eharmony.cause it was free communication weekend.  Found her on myspace.  Whatev.

Started talking to her about hanging out.  We agreed on today.
Well today rolls around..  I send her a text around noon..  didn't get a response till around one.  Wasn't even her.  APPARENTLY she was rushed to the hospital for no reason last night.

Although I noticed that last night I was at a friends..  I noticed that someone deleted me from myspace..  Today when I went to check.. it was her.  Her profile is private, and I can't send her a message.  So I responded to the person that texted me back saying, "I'm sorry to hear that, but did she go before or after she deleted me off her myspace? If she didn't want to talk to me she could have told me"

They respond with that it was her ex bf that hacked into her myspace and fucked with it.

Hm..  Sound like lame excuses to me.  But I'll wait to hear back from that.

In other news..  that other girl that's been fucking with my head got something that was coming to her.

Her ex bf hacked into HER myspace and figured out what happened between her and that guy she's now kinda seeing.  He saw how they were talking before she dumped him.

Hah.. makes me laugh.  You had it coming you bitch.

 
 
So..  I guess I'll just quote directly from my phone.

So I don't want to blow you off but ___ wants to hang out and I really like him.  Maybe you can pick me up from there if I get a ride no wait that won't work idfk.
Then I guess I wont see you for awhile then
wtf why not what is the problem you can meet me there or bring me there after we hang out but then i wouldn't have a ride home

WE were supposed to hang out yesterday.  So then you said that WE could hang out today instead. WE means me and you.

we can go out and get something to eat i need to get food for my dog
well i am sorry that you can't have me to YOURself

It hurts because you know how I feel about you and you say you feel the same way about me.  It hurts to see you do what you do.  I guess I know how _____ felt.

you've been giving me attitude ever since i started talking to him
and if we go out to eat it would be just us this is killing me the way you are being
its really sad if something like that ruins our friendship
are you serious right now
you don't know how ____ feels why would you bring his name into this.  wtf did you forget he used to beat me?

you know I feel about you and you act like you dont care.  im sorry if i sound selfish.

when did I tell you how I felt about you I wanted to sleep with you maybe that's about it i consider you a best friend and you said you'd always be there for me now you are acting obsessive
whatever be pissed at me all you want but you're hurting ME and you don't even know it

forget I said anything then

i act like I don't care okay that's really enough of this its pissing me off
matt you're making me really upset do you want to hang out or not either way i'm going over there whether it be before during or after

i dont know.  you are right im obsessing too much right now.

cmon matt this should be no different from how we are any other day you just don't want to see me with him and 

that's silly fine I will sit at home along all day since I don't have a ride over there.
ill come over after work
so are we hanging out or not?
well I might be in easthampton then, if you want to you'd have to come over there. 
 
 
Current Mood: irritatedirritated
 
 
04 June 2008 @ 02:31 pm
So.
Yesterday (tuesday) we were supposed to hang out after work.  I get to her house when I get out, no one is home.

Call her..  she says that she's in holyoke with her cousin.  WTF.
Here's the backstory.

Since I left her at that kids house, she didn't have a ride home.
I asked her if she wanted me to get her before I went to work, which was around quarter after one.  She told me she already called her cousin.  So whatever.

2 hours go by, her cousin still hasn't shown up yet.  Made me laugh a little.
Then sometime goes by and I get a phone call saying she's walking home because her cousin was calling her white trash and a slut because she was at that guys house so she got out the car and was walking.
So thats a little fucked that you're hanging out with your cousin when we should be hanging out, especially after what she said to you.

Not to mention when she agreed we were gonna hang out, she said she had to let me go because she needed to take a shower.  When I talked to her when I got to her house she said she didn't even shower yet.
Fuck that.  Later on while I was driving home she sent me a text saying there's always tomorrow because she has the day off.

So..  TODAY.;
I saw her online and asked if we were still hanging out, she said maybe/probably.  Wha?

So.  I'm downstairs making lunch before leaving.  She sends me a text saying, "So I don't want to blow you off but ___wants to hang out and I really like him.  Maybe you can pick me up from there if I can get a ride no wait that won't work idfk".  Quoted from the text.

Basically we went back and forth because well. I like her, at least I think I do.  I want to be with her, but she likes him and APPARENTLY said she would only fuck me and considers me a best friend.  I said it hurts me when I see her and him together.  Cause I've been there through all the fucked up shit her ex did to her.  

She says that I'm being obsessive about her.  Which I think is true.  But shit.  I don't know.

I'll update more about this later.  At work right now.. don't have time to put all my thoughts into this.
 
 
Current Location: work
Current Music: rock 102
 
 
 
03 June 2008 @ 10:29 am
 Betrayed?  No i don't think so.

See, I have this friend, she's very complicated.

Here's the skinny.

Yesterday she dumped her boyfriend because she wasn't happy.  Problem is, is that the reason she did it, is because she's been talking to this guy and likes him.  From what I understand he basically told her to do it and she did.

Now, we're best friends, at least I like to think so.  I love the girl, I'd do anything for her, and basically do.
She likes me, as she's told me.

But she also really likes this guy.

So, last night we were supposed to go to the gym together but after her day, she just wanted to go out.  Now, she told me this kid (I know him) wanted to hang out.  Which I was fine with, but I told her that I wanted to spend some time with her.

So I pick her up, we hit up a liquor store.  head back to her house so she can get changed.  Then as we're leaving, I asked her if she wanted to just head to his place since it was already late.  She said she didn't care.  So whatever.

Ended up coming back to my house for a minute cause I wanted to change out of work clothes.

So, we finally end up at that guys place.  Drank alot.  Throughout the night I noticed that they kept getting cozy together, which really I didn't care that much.  Because I told her I want her to be happy.. even though I want her.

Well..  5 in the fucking morning rolls around.  I'm tired.  I kinda want to go but I just don't want to say it cause it looked like she was still having fun.  But eventually she came outside cause I went outside and asked what was wrong..  I said I wanted to go.  

So she's like, just go.. i'll be fine here.  I told her I didn't want to leave her there but she said it was ok. 

That right there pissed me off.  Is that she didn't want to go.    Granted it's her choice.  But fuck..  She told me earlier that she maybe (yes maybe) wanted to sleep over.

Granted at that point I was fucking irritated so I just wanted to bring her home.

So that's my drama.  The fucking fact that it's 20 of eleven and I don't know if I'm hung over or still fucking drunk.  And I'm fucking pissed at my best friend.

What REALLY pisses me off, is the fact that when I left, I sped the fuck outta there, you could tell I was pissed.

She hasn't texted OR called me to see if I'm alright.  But I don't want to text her cause I know it'll be mean.

AKLJASKL:GDJDGKLF FUCK... 

*UPDATE*
She said she didn't want to leave with me because I was drunk.  But at the same time..  why wouldn't you try to stop me from driving.. when you KNOW I've had issues before.
 
 
Current Mood: infuriatedinfuriated
 
 
03 June 2008 @ 10:27 am
I watched you walk away
Hopeless, with nothing to say
I screen my eyes
Hoping to see you again

This is my curse (the longing)
This is my curse (to)
This is my curse (the yearning)
This is my curse

There is love burning to find you
Will you wait for me?
Will you be here?

Your silence haunts me
But I still hunger for you

This is my curse (the wanting)
This is my curse (to)
This is my curse (the needing)

There is love burning to find you
Will you wait for me?

Still I want
And I still I ache
But still I wait
To see you again

Dying, inside, these walls
Dying, inside, these walls Can I see your face in these tears? In these tears And I see your face... There is love
There is love
There is love
There is love
There is love
There is love
There is love
There is love
 
 
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
 
 
02 June 2008 @ 11:58 am

It's been quite some time since I've used LJ.  Used to be an avid user, checking daily and whatnot.  Didn't think it was necessary anymore.  But it seems that sometimes you just need a place to talk about what's going on in your head so you can try to sort shit out in your life.

Lately I've been feeling like I need something or someplace to vent to.  

But.. I will save the bitching for later.  Right now.. yes.. I have returned.

Also, don't mind the depressed moods much.  Seems to happen to me alot.

 
 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: Combichrist - Get Your Body Beat